Ever say, "I'll take the first job out there I find on Google"?

McDonald's Now Hiring Losers

Life Purpose

SON: I've had enough of this crazy world.
MOM: What do you mean?
SON: I think I'm going to end it before life gets any worse.
MOM: What's so horrible?
SON: For starters my life has no purpose.
MOM: Hold on a second, if you weren't here who would take out the the trash?
SON: Alright, Mom, I'll take out the trash, but after that my life will have no purpose.
MOM: I'll need someone to put a fresh bags in the waste basket twice a week.
SON: Alright, but after that my work here is done.
MOM: That's the thing, this is an ongoing responsibility. It's not a one time gig.
SON: I'm not so sure you couldn't find someone else more dependable to fill that position.
MOM: Someone will also need to help me consume these groceries before they spoil. I can't do that without your help.
SON: What do I look like, a human garbage disposal?
MOM: We all have our gifts.

Written for XM Comedy
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Are You A Kid or a Grown Up?

There's one way to find out
if you are a kid or grown up.
Forget owning your own house
or getting excited when you open a present.

Take the Pecan Twirls test.
If you bit into the Twirl
than you're an adult.

If you bite one end
and untwirl it as you munch
you're a kid.

What if you do both?
Then your my husband
who teeters back and forth
even though he looks like
he's eighteen instead of 30
And today he looks about 7 or 8!

Written for Mrs. Freshley's
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Another Enlightened Comic!

Thanks, Fran, for reminding me how much I like Shel Silverstein. Your post inspired some poetry writing of my own. After all a poet, artist, playwright, children's book publisher, comic and word smith ought to read up on such an Enlightened Comic!

Tryin' On Clothes

I tried on the farmer's hat,
Didn't fit...
A little too small -- just a bit
Too floppy.
Couldn't get used to it,
Took it off.

I tried on the dancer's shoes,
A little too loose.
Not the kind you could use
for walkin'.
Didn't feel right in 'em,
Kicked 'em off.

I tried on the summer sun,
Felt good.
Nice and warm -- knew it would.
Tried the grass beneath bare feet,
Felt neat.
Finally, finally felt well dressed,
Nature's clothes fit me best.

Written by Shel Silverstein

Dancin' 'Cause I Can

I walked on the road
'cause the sidewalk was icy wet.
As I was walking, I made up a little dance
that hasn't caught on just yet...
It's two steps forward
a slip and wobble to the left
and an deep sigh of relief.
Then the dance starts up
all over again.

In a couple of days new dance steps are added
sloosh, slosh SPLASH!

In the spring
when my fever for fresh air and sun light is high
It's stroll, stroll
twirl with the peach blossoms
that dance in the breeze
Caught in step with me!

Written for Shel Silverstein
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Where Do You Get Good Gift Ideas?

Doll Face says:
Hi Rosie Cheeks Is your phone working?
Rosie Cheeks says:
Yes, but I think I was on the phone when you called.
Doll Face says:
Ahh.
Rosie Cheeks says:
Where are you? Did the car start again?
Doll Face says:
I'm going to walk into town, since the car battery is dead.
Doll Face says:
I have to walk to Pete's to drop off the books first.
Rosie Cheeks says:
I'll pick you up in 15 minutes after I send out a couple emails.
Doll Face says:
That would be awesome. Thanks!
Rosie Cheeks says:
Guess we should have bought a battery instead of flowers for your dad for Christmas?
Doll Face says:
Doh!
Rosie Cheeks says:
It would look pretty with a red bow.
Doll Face says:
Red and blue.
Rosie Cheeks says:
Could have sent him a photo.
Doll Face says:
You never know where great gift ideas are coming next!
Rosie Cheeks says:
Chances are it will work again once it warms up, but whenever it is below freezing it won't work.
Doll Face says:
It started and then I dumbly turned it off.
Rosie Cheeks says:
Dope.
Doll Face says:
Doh.
Doll Face says:
See ya in 15. Thanks.

Written for XM Comedy
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Adam Sandler's Original Hanukkah Song

This spiritual, interfaith, raised Christian's , favorite pop Chanukah (Hanukkah) Song is hands down Adam Sandler's original Chanukah (Hanukkah) Song.

Happy Chanukah!

The Perfect Gift For Your Baby's Cyber Success

MID WIFE: Congratulation, Sonya you have a healthy baby girl!

GRANDMOM: What are you going to name my first granddaughter?

NEW MOM: We’re checking on that right now.

GRANDMOM: How about Sarah Karen Mott after both Grandmothers?

NEW DAD: Let me check. Mom, sorry to say Sarah with an “h” is taken, but KarenSarahMott.com is still available.

GRANDMOM: Hey, what’s this all about?

NEW MOM: Our webmaster said it’s in the best interest of our baby’s future livelihood to register her domain name before someone else swoops it up.

NEW DAD: Yea, its right up there with buying whole life insurance while our child has a perfect bill of health.

Written for The Next Big Idea
Visit For the Love of Baby for more great baby gift ideas.
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Fish Bowl

EXECUTIVE: I got a call from Trade Magazine Inc.

PARTNER: What did they want?

EXECUTIVE: They want to do a story on my business.

PARTNER: How did they hear about you?

EXECUTIVE: I dropped a card in their fish bowl at last week’s trade show.

PARTNER: Did you tell them you were a very busy.

EXECUTIVE: What do you mean?

PARTNER: Last week when I lined up an interview with you to speak to an author about starting your business, at first you said you were too busy and then he gave us a million dollar tip during the conversation.

EXECUTIVE: Well, she said the interview would be brief.

PARTNER: You mean questions like, would you like to subscribe to our magazine?

EXECUTIVE: If that's the case I'll give, quick, short answers.

Written for Michael Feldman, PRI, Whad' Ya Know?
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Free "Sample"

I go through the drive thru of a new coffee shop around eleven pm, just of the turn pike. There is still a backhoe in the front parking lot and I am greeted by a friendly baristo. Yea, I think that's what you call a male worker in an espresso bar. It’s obvious English isn’t his first language and when he asks me what I want I say, “One Espresso, please.”

“A what?” I hear him echo back.

“One Espresso, please.”

“Excuse me, sir, can you please pull around.”

Once I get to the pick up window he motions to park and come inside. My wife watches as I wait for him to unlock the front door. The baristo asks me again what I want.

“Espresso”, I point to stack of the smallest cups.

“Ah, you mean sample.”

He proceeds to fill the cup with the espresso machine. “Here you go, sir.”

I take out my wallet, ready to pay the man. “No charge for the sample,” he insists.

We give each other a courteous nod as I thank him for the ‘sample’. My wife and I savor the taste and humbling story of our “free sample” all the way home.

Written for Jay Leno
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Holiday Cards

HUSBAND: Hey, look we got a holiday card from Pete and Ben.
WIFE: Who?
HUSBAND: From the waste management company. Pete's the driver and Ben is the helper.
WIFE: Hey maybe they would like one of our zany, original holiday cards.
HUSBAND: I think they want something in that card.
WIFE: We can tape it to the trash lid.
HUSBAND: Why don't we save them time and put it directly in the trash.
WIFE: They ought to be happy they are two out of the 250 who will be receiving one of our holiday post cards.
HUSBAND: Yes, out of the six billion and change that didn't receive anything from us, they did!

Written for XM Comedy
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

The Tooth Fairy Kicks Santa's Butt In Kid Survey

The pre-school teacher leaves the room for a couple minutes during snack time and I’m caught off guard by eighteen 3-5 year olds who out of the blue start having a heavy conversation about death and where do you go when you die. Recently one girl’s grand mom passed and so did a boy’s dog. Suddenly I step into interview/ discussion moderator mode.

BOY: Miss Ruth, where do you go when you die?

MISS RUTH: What do you think?

SOME BOYS AND GIRLS: Heaven?

MISS RUTH: Really? Humm. How many of you believe in Santa Clause?

(Only half the kids at the two snack tables raise their hands.)

MISS RUTH: How many of you believe in The Tooth Fairy?

(A room of missing teeth smiles light up the room as all of the pre-K class raises their hands in the air!)

Ruth Anne Wood © 1997-2008 Scripting for Success

Enlightened Musical Comedy

If you never heard of Straight No Chaser's I think you’ll agree their music is enlightened comedy at its best! (And no, I'm not talking about Thelonious Monk's - Straight No Chaser although, I'd bet my left funny bone it inspired the group's name.) Enjoy. Thanks Peter Shankman for turning me on to them! Here are my favorite songs done when they were back in the University of Indiana over a decade ago and their reunion album:

Straight No Chaser - Sitcom Medley
Straight No Chaser - 12 Days
IU's Straight No Chaser - Africa
StraightNo Chaser Reunited

Car Name- "Lurch" and Friends...

Since I started driving, I've named most of my cars.

My first car in 1995 was a stick shift tan Volvo 10 years old with 100,000 miles and cost $1,000.00. I named her "Lurch" -no reflection on the new driver of course :) At one point the starter died and every time I wanted to turn it on I'd put the key in the ignition, popped the hood and took a copper wire my boy friend rigged up for me to spark the battery. The car started right up. Later my friend's dad, a big model train enthusiast, concerned with his daughter's transportation for the evening, installed a train toggle switch through Lurch's heating duct and all I had to do was press the red button to start my Volvo - A decade later I found out how in vogue Lurch was when my husband pressed a button to start the Lotus he test drove.

The second car was "Beamer" for obvious reasons and later renamed to Phantom when the clock radio started working again after a year. It surely had something to do with knocking things loose after driving over the curb earlier that week. The following day a hanus whining, siren, noise filled the air as my car savvy boyfriend couldn't figure out how to stop the howling noise we could hear across the yard and inside our brick twin house. The noise under the hood stopped on it's own, an hour later and the name, Phantom stuck.

The third car, "Oreo" was a Toyoda Tercel black interior with white exterior.

The fourth car was a 1994 Ford Mustang convertible. It didn't have any pet names. Except oh @#%%! when a SUV totaled it the day after I replaced the plane white hood with a scoop and blue and white racing stripes.

The fifth car was a Turquoise green KIA Sophia and we just called her Sophie after the leading lady in my screen play, "Five Rites". A deer that jumped in front of the grille renamed it an inconvenience when it totaled my car a couple blocks from my home.

I stopped buying cars after that since we live near the center of town and I work from home. I just ride my bike, borrow my husband or Dad's car when Dad's away or use public transportation.

Written for WKVL (850 AM) , a 50,000-watt station in Knoxville, TN http://ricmorgan.com/
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Word Art Is...

E
NE
LNE
ILNE
GILNE
HGILNE
THGILNE
ETHGILNE
NETHGILNE
ENETHGILNE
DENETHGILNE

C DENETHGILNE
OC DENETHGILNE
MOC DENETHGILNE
EMOC DENETHGILNE
DEMOC DENETHGILNE
yDEMOC DENETHGILNE

Enlightened ComEDY
nlightened ComEDY
lightened ComEDY
ightened ComEDY
ghtened ComEDY
htened ComEDY
tened ComEDY
ened ComEDY
ned ComEDY
ed ComEDY
d ComEDY

COMEDY
OMEDY
mEDY
EDY
DY
Y

Dedicated to: Will Shortz, "The Puzzler"
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Civil Election Commentary

Dad says:

Hi Rachael

Rachael says:

Happy Saturday

Dad says:

what did you think of the election result?

Rachael says:

I was inspired by Mc Cain's speech and wish he had been that focused and classy when he was running.

Rachael says:

That would have made the difference for him

Dad says:

I never did hear any of the speeches - was still in airports or airplanes at the time

Dad says:

but I have heard similarly good sentiments from many up here about McCain's concession speech and of course, Canadians are wildly overjoyed at Obama's victroy

Dad says:

victory

Rachael says:

I'm sure Kim is one of those

Dad says:

she was happy

Rachael says:

cool

Rachael says:

Jason and I actually watched the election results outside at Puck with Obama volunteers till Obama gave his speech. It was a memorable atmosphere of joy and a self congratulations.

Dad says:

nice - did my little talk before I left change your vote?

RACHAEL
Oh shoot, what should I tell him?

JERRY
Tell him you are a strong woman and you don’t flip flop.

Rachel says:

We were just going for a walk in town and got snagged by a friend through the whole event

Dad says:

??

Rachel says:

I don't flip flop. I'm a strong woman. I make a decision and I keep it.

Dad says:

I am proud of you for that - I was impressed that you were willing to listen to an old die hard on the subject

Rachel says:

Thank you

RACHAEL

This is a historic event. I stood up to my Dad with out using sarcasm!

JERRY

Congratulations love. I’m proud of you.

Dad says:

Kim just rented her condo and we are meeting the new tenants there in 15 minutes - but I am glad to have touched base and look forward to catching up some more soon

Dad says:

gotta go for now

Dad says:

bye

Rachel says:

cool enjoy the new tenants- bye

IM Written for Daughter and Father Check In
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Online facebook Comedy Community

How Do You Use the power of Jokes & Funny Stories to Drive More Traffic To Your Site? Or help businesses do the same?

Did you know there were over 673,000 searches for "jokes" and 2,740,000 for "funny" last month on Google? How many people are searching for your web site on Google?

Not as many?

Why not use funny jokes and humor to show case your business and inspire people to click on your joke to find out who is funny enough to be on EnlightenedJokes.com

If your joke/site qualifies...

Your Joke Will Be Posted When You Do The Following...

1. Click here to become a fan of Enlightened Jokes on face book.

2. Write an Enlightened Joke
(ENLIGHTENED JOKE- Humor, funny story and comedy that talks about your personal experiences and feelings and avoids complaining, whining, judging, criticizing or blaming others.)

3. Post your original Enlightened Joke on your blog or website.

4. Email the following to: ruth@EnlightenedJokes.com

YOUR NAME:

YOUR EMAIL:

YOUR JOB TITLE/ INDUSTRY:

YOUR ZIP CODE:

YOUR PAYPAL ADDRESS:

YOUR JOKE TITLE:

THE URL OF YOUR POSTED JOKE:

ONE WORD THAT DESCRIBES YOUR JOKE:

TARGET AUDIENCE FOR JOKE:

Send your above information to: ruth@EnlightenedJokes.com

Want to Rank Higher on the Enlightened JOKE WALL and get your Enlightened Joke posted for 3 years or the life of EnlightenedJokes.com? Send a donation to the project or send me a request to be a sponsor at the top of the Enlightened Joke subscriber emails.

(FYI: Over a 2 million searches on Google for "Funny", "Jokes", "Comedy", "Hilarious". It's a great advertising opportunity!)

Post Your Joke Here.

Thanks,

Ruth


Written for Enlightened Joke Writers and Businesses who understand the power of using "Jokes", Comedy "Humor" and "Funny" to drive traffic to your site

Ruth Anne Wood © 2009 Scripting for Success

Ah, The Great Indoors

HUSBAND: Oh it’s raining outside!

WIFE: Really?

HUSBAND: And all the leaves are being blown off the trees!

WIFE: It’s too dark to see.

HUSBAND: That doesn’t matter. I'm watching Gmail weather?

I wondered why Google wanted my zip code when I choose my email program. See it’s raining in the corner of my screen.

WIFE: It’s Google’s plot that we never go outside.

HUSBAND: Or never need to.

Written for XM Comedy
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

Who is she: The Incredible Expanding Woman

The Incredible E x p a n d i n g Woman...

I just typed the above words... the joke is on me.
There are over 321,000 posts on the topic.
So who is she? "The Incredible Expanding Woman" that is?

Are any of them "Enlightened Comics"?

Here's my ode to expansion in the words of these enlightened women and men...
Yehey for beautiful pregnant moms -Amy
Love unconditionally, live happily -mamasteph
"What's happening to me?!" she cried out. -Joe T.
"I don’t know dear, but I think I kinda like it."
Kelly, I think what you are doing is so awesome!! -Deanna
And identical girls!!
I'm not the Mom, I'm just the Stork! -Kelly

Written for Tyra Banks Show
Ruth Anne Wood © 2008 Scripting for Success

The View

MEREDITH: Our next guest went on a quest to find an "Enlightened Comic" while doing research for the opening scene in her future film "Five Rites", a story about a dying 80 year old woman who discovers "the Fountain of Youth" doing the "five rites" yoga everyday. Her research hit an existential wall when she tried to locate an "Enlightened Comic", someone who she notes derive jokes from funny observations on personal feelings and experiences rather than judgments or criticism of self or others. We'll discover what she learned from her comedy research and how activities such as yoga inspire full length comedy, adventures. Please welcome, "Visionary Writer" Ruth Anne Wood.

© 2008 Ruth Anne Wood, Scripting For Success
Written for Meredith Vieira on The View

Have you read what Dorthy Hamill said about the blind figure skater in You Can't Get It 'Cause You've Already Got It!

The Un-enlightened Comic

When Do You Know It's Time To Throw Out Your Jack-O-Lantern?
When the face starts looking like Robert Redford before Botox.

© 2008 Ruth Anne Wood, Scripting For Success
Written for Jay Leno